The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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