Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
