I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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