I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
