i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
