I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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