I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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