new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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