I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
