My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
