I accidentally burped into my bong.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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