I look better un-naked...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
