i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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