Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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