tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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