so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
