You just made me feel so damn special
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
