i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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