did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize