Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
