FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize