3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
