i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
