I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
