She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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