bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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