Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
