i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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