Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
