I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize