i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
