I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize