Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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