you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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