John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize