So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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