I faked an abortion last night.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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