i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
