I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You ruined the universe
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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