Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
