I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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