god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize