I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
