I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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