He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
