he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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