Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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