Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
