You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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