My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Who died my cat blue again?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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