Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
