I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
