i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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