I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
