I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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