She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize