What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
