u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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