I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
