Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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